Accent Anonymous:

Tatum Grundy

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I have a confession to make. I think I am addicted–not to alcohol or drinking paint or eating the stuffing out of my mattress. My addiction is harmless, and like any addict I blame my addiction not on myself, but on the media and soccer—football if you will. Ladies and gentlemen of the internet I am addicted to talking in accents. I am unsure at this point whether or not there are others in the same boat as me, so in the spirit of Alcoholics Anonymous I have aptly created Accents Anonymous. Accents Anonymous – a simple 12 step plan for those of you who share in the affliction of being unable to speak using your given dialect. 

Step 1

Admit to your faults:

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem, but honestly I don’t think I do. Despite my family’s efforts to make restrictions on how many accents I spew in a day I. Can’t. Stop.

Step 2

Acknowledge a higher power:

Step two involves recognizing that a higher power can cause you to succumb to your virtues and erase all sins. This step would be great, however I only believe in one god—Steve Irwin. Conveniently, he has an accent. Australian, which happens to be a favourite of mine.

Step 3

Turn in the control of your life to a higher power:

At this stage I relinquished my control to the man himself—Steve Irwin—which only made me more Aussie. Crikey!

Step 4

Make an inventory of yourself:

Following the twelve step plan number four involves identifying weaknesses. For me, this meant understanding that I have a soft spot for speaking in Australian and Scottish accents. 

Step 5

Tell someone about your problem:

Confessing to someone the delinquencies of your ways sounds good in theory, but when put into practice your face will often be met with a door. At least this was my experience.

Step 6

Prepare yourself to have a higher power remove the imperfections from your character. In my case, this means readying myself for Steve to take away my Canadian accent.

Step 7

Ask the higher power to erase these defects:

Now that you are mentally ready and able to go through the changes the higher power of your choice will provide give in to their power. In my case this caused me to lose my native accent entirely. 

Step 8

Make a list of people damaged by your ways:

Erase steps eight, nine, ten, eleven, and twelve, because now you’re stuck in a vicious cycle.

 

Check it out!  How to do 12 different accents!